Sleep job

It is known that people can do weird things while sleeping. Some talk, some walk, some snore(for that matter) and some sleep peacefully.

I remember many instances of my parents telling me about wild tales which I narrate in my sleep. The last such incident dates back to my tenth class. Parents were amused by what I had ranted to them in my sleep. I also remember that each such uncanny occurrence embarrassed me deeply.

Another thing I have noticed is the way people react to certain situations immediately after waking up. The reactions can be amazingly funny and at times totally preposterous. My earlier roommate was one with an extremely weird reaction. Actually he didn't react at all for the first ten minutes. I can say that because I have a lot of experience of waking him up. Another friend of mine can't help feeling groggy for about 15 minutes. While some of them become very attentive with eyes wide open others tend to be scared if you get a little aggressive.

My own reactions are varied and depend upon how much I have slept. At times I am very attentive and tend to stare hard at the person. My behaviour at that moment is a function of the how sleepy I felt while falling asleep and how badly I need to sleep at that moment. I can remember shrieking at some time as well as laughing or behaving quite normally at other times. But this is just one side of the coin. I must say there have been instances which suggest a different story.

In the last semester a neighbour dropped in to return me a book. I was shocked. I asked him that how he got that book because I didn't remember giving him the book. He said that he had come the previous night and I had been asleep. I had opened the door and given him the book. More shock. I gaped at him and it seemed incredibly stupid to believe such a thing. I tried to recap the events of the night before and this just didn't fit in!

This has happened with me more than a couple of times. May be I am in some different state of consciousness. In that I can only respond to such external stimuli and can't be aware of any other detail. Sometimes it makes me feel weird.

Analyze this...

For some time now, I have been thinking of sharing this link.

http://brokensandglass.googlepages.com/home

The anonymous person has beautifully expressed his feelings. I have no idea how often he updates these pages but only recently he added this page 'Wings of Butterfly'. The site also provides links to some bizarre sites that deal with The Metamorphois by Franz Kafka which can be rightly called 'King of the bizarre'.

To Markov chains and circuit relays...

I spent the whole day understanding stochastic processes and power protection. In between, to not to lose contact with reality, I read a few pages of Linguistics by David Crystal and the evergreen ToI.

Just to get a feel of Markov chains I wiki-ed the term and found that they are used in myriad applications. From Music theory to biology the usage was marvellous. Then I looked up Stochastic Process and found that the Brownian motion which is exhibited by pollen grains floating on water surface is an example of continuous-time stochastic process. A very interestingly comical link which I found was of Markov Bible. The Markov monkey claims that each time you open a book of the Bible, the content will be different from that obtained the previous time.

Though the practicality of what I was studying increased by enthusiasm, but the latter part of the theory couldn't keep me awake for long.

Next I went over to Power System Engineering and it proved to be much more soporific than its predecessor. Even the match wasn't interesting enough.Test matches have lost their sheen to the much more exciting 20-20 format. Who wants to wait for five days when three hours are enough to decide? The common man seems to have given precedence to instant satisfaction, over class and beauty(aesthetic contentment) which comes out in full flow only in Tests.

The relays and their hardware were too bizarre and gross to digest. So I switched over again to Linguistics. It told me the importance of communication and how it differs from language in a very fundamental way e.g. the mention of the word 'automation' by a manager can have far-reaching consequences for the company. The workers might consider it to be a threat pertaining to attrition. Whereas the manager simply wanted to stress upon efficiency and optimization. This is 'communication gap' which can sometimes wreak havoc upon the company. Another point it stressed upon was that the 'speaking form' of English is very different from the 'writing form'. What is actually taught is the latter one with almost negligible stress on the former -a subtle mistake upon the part of the linguists scholars and teachers.

The drag carries on to the next day which will then be carried to the next and next and so on. Procrastination is my way, otherwise it's the highway!

Hatred.....

I don't feel like blogging these days. Not due to the minors. Nor due to a lack of topics. I don't know. But I often think about blogging. While reading a book, while watching a movie or while completing daily chores, my thoughts wander onto blogging.

The problem is that as soon as I face the blog, a deep sense of loathing engulfs me. Everything about this blog is so superficial and ephemeral. It is just like any ordinary blog, and so unlike me. I want it to reflect my persona. Just like a piece of art. A stupid list of movies, books read, a few goddamn links and last of all that stupid 'movie-meter' thing which hangs at the bottom. I hate it all. And if someone discusses anything related to blog, I hate it more so.

Sometimes I feel like deleting all the entries. They are all phoney and useless. There is very little sense in them. Pieces of shit... But logic overpowers impulse and somehow they are all safe(for how long???).

Why can't I write something more meaningful? Why can't I write something which truly reflects my very own way of writing, however meaningless it may be?

I have been working on this problem for quite some time now. But no solution is in sight. But I'll definitely bring about a sea change to this godforsaken thing... That's certain......

Auto-psychoanalysis....

I go straight to my room from here. I will read Vernon God Little. ......I sat in my class thinking about what I will do after classes are over.... I may feel sleepy. It's just 6:00 pm. ........there was a nagging feeling which weighed me down........ So I shouldn't sleep. Then I may watch a movie. I will watch Alien today. It's a great Ridley Scott movie.........Oh my God...such a terrible feeling of loneliness..... What next? In between, I will have to take dinner. What if someone comes in between? What if a QC event is held? What if an EDLC event is there? You never know... Last moment the rep comes and says,"You have to come for the event! There's no one else."......don't have a good feeling about the events.......heart is heavy.......don't know.....why am I afraid.....rather...what is scaring me.....the person there was staring at me..........

(I reach my room and end up wasting half-an-hour staring out of my window. A friend drops in and we have a long conversation on arbitrary issues. Then I pay visit to another "intellectual" friend of mine. We share some wisdom and thus gain, a trifle, by it. It is dinner time by then. Next....)Shit! All time wasted....there is so much to be done......there I am with guilt etched upon very thought of mine.....what to do...how to control those desires.....shit.........*(^%$#()*&*

(Late at night......) Still haven't started Vernon God Little.....why do I indulge in trivial activities only to repent later....so much time wasted.......this never happened in school days......has the IIT system been responsible for all this.....or my own actions....my own deliberations.....shit.......where is all this leading me.......

As I write all this, balderdash it may seem, but it means hell to me. I have spent two months of this semester doing this. Those confused feelings, those states of utter bewilderment, they are all taking a toll on me. Movies cheer me up. Sometimes books too. I always go home, heavy-hearted and come back to hostel light-hearted. Home makes me feel better. But I am none the better at home. I succumb to all kinds of cravings over there.

I don't have a good feeling about it. It has started raining just now. Days of torturous heat, sweating and now rains will take that all away. It's so easy for the rains to ease the weather which starts getting on my nerves. May be a rain exists which will those bizzare desires of mine.....someday...perhaps..... I am waiting.........