Auto-psychoanalysis....

I go straight to my room from here. I will read Vernon God Little. ......I sat in my class thinking about what I will do after classes are over.... I may feel sleepy. It's just 6:00 pm. ........there was a nagging feeling which weighed me down........ So I shouldn't sleep. Then I may watch a movie. I will watch Alien today. It's a great Ridley Scott movie.........Oh my God...such a terrible feeling of loneliness..... What next? In between, I will have to take dinner. What if someone comes in between? What if a QC event is held? What if an EDLC event is there? You never know... Last moment the rep comes and says,"You have to come for the event! There's no one else."......don't have a good feeling about the events.......heart is heavy.......don't know.....why am I afraid.....rather...what is scaring me.....the person there was staring at me..........

(I reach my room and end up wasting half-an-hour staring out of my window. A friend drops in and we have a long conversation on arbitrary issues. Then I pay visit to another "intellectual" friend of mine. We share some wisdom and thus gain, a trifle, by it. It is dinner time by then. Next....)Shit! All time wasted....there is so much to be done......there I am with guilt etched upon very thought of mine.....what to do...how to control those desires.....shit.........*(^%$#()*&*

(Late at night......) Still haven't started Vernon God Little.....why do I indulge in trivial activities only to repent later....so much time wasted.......this never happened in school days......has the IIT system been responsible for all this.....or my own actions....my own deliberations.....shit.......where is all this leading me.......

As I write all this, balderdash it may seem, but it means hell to me. I have spent two months of this semester doing this. Those confused feelings, those states of utter bewilderment, they are all taking a toll on me. Movies cheer me up. Sometimes books too. I always go home, heavy-hearted and come back to hostel light-hearted. Home makes me feel better. But I am none the better at home. I succumb to all kinds of cravings over there.

I don't have a good feeling about it. It has started raining just now. Days of torturous heat, sweating and now rains will take that all away. It's so easy for the rains to ease the weather which starts getting on my nerves. May be a rain exists which will those bizzare desires of mine.....someday...perhaps..... I am waiting.........

Some thoughts......

The thoughts I will put forward have been held for long in my memory. I still don't know, what stopped me from wording them.

Lately much of my energies have been diverted to cinema. Having an enviable collection is not enough. Though it gives me great pleasure when I think of the great works which I possess, and what an honour it is.

And the story doesn't end here. The collection is still growing, though the pace has slackened considerably over the past couple of months. Yet the ones I get, are those which I have cherished for long or those which need to be added for the betterment of collection.

My pace of watching movies has also grown significantly. Lately, every alternate day I try to watch a movie. A small desire in the initial days has matured into an insatiable hunger for more and more and more...

Yesterday I saw Kal Ho Naa Ho. But for the songs, the movie was heart-rendering. Songs were good, no doubt, but they dampen the momentum of the movie, and in some cases just bring it to a stand-still. That's the major problem with Bollywood movies today. Another bone of contention was Saif Ali Khan's lack lustre performance. He is just not fit for emotional roles. Look at Parineeta, Hum Tum and the climactic scenes of Kal Ho Naa Ho. He has failed miserably and is only good at doing comical roles or the likes of Dil Chahta Hai.

Much to my dismay, I try to extricate thematic elements from every movie and that too while watching. It gets boring very often. For instance when Naina's mother was explaining the meaning of relationships to her, I was busy putting those moral values in a larger frame of reference. A thought occurred to me(and occurs very often after watching a Bollywood film) that most of the Hindi films deal with relationships, love and marriage. Although they may differ on certain aspects, but more or less they pertain to the general concept of relations.

This "Analyzing.." business may not be so boring for Western movies though. All the more, it makes sense to analyze them, and a good movie may require a certain level of intellect to deal with them. Rear Window was one such case. This Alfred Hitchcock masterpiece is pretty complicated as far as relation between the protagonist(played by Cary Grant) and his girl-friend Lisa are concerned. I was only able to acknowledge the theme of ethics of voyeurism and marriage in the movie. But Wikipedia told me that the movie had much more food for thought than I could possibly imagine. I was bewildered that people had done so much research on a not-so-interesting movie.

Anyway, my passion for cinema is still amateur and I have to travel many miles before I can confidently put forth my prowess in Cinema. The beauty of cinema is not an easy thing to admire. But I am prepared to devote unbounded time towards this beautiful art and wish to gain as much as I can.

I proposed, I don't know who disposed...

Circumstances demand that I should be a little more regular in the noble art of blogging.

I have been generous enough(to whom?) to update this blog with the latest movie or the book. But the main point of creating a blog seems to have lost its purpose.

For instance, just before doing the honours I was building up a chain of thoughts to be translated into words over here. But as I type, each link breaks open and this is what I am writing.

Just to give this entry a more important look, let me inform the respectable reader that I last saw Chak De! India and am currently reading The Story of My Experiments With Truth by M.K. Gandhi.

Gandhiji has brilliantly put forward his life's journey, and with inspirational candidness has succeeded in mentioning his short-comings as well as all his juvenile wrong-doings. It's very rare these days to find someone admitting his/her faults and weaknesses. Such display of honesty has touched my heart. Though the pace of the book has been a little sluggish till now, nonetheless I'm hoping that it'll turn out to be a great read.

That's the problem. As I write, a feeling of sleepiness creeps in. This problem has definitely played a major role in abstaining me from blogging. Bah....