Auto-psychoanalysis....

I go straight to my room from here. I will read Vernon God Little. ......I sat in my class thinking about what I will do after classes are over.... I may feel sleepy. It's just 6:00 pm. ........there was a nagging feeling which weighed me down........ So I shouldn't sleep. Then I may watch a movie. I will watch Alien today. It's a great Ridley Scott movie.........Oh my God...such a terrible feeling of loneliness..... What next? In between, I will have to take dinner. What if someone comes in between? What if a QC event is held? What if an EDLC event is there? You never know... Last moment the rep comes and says,"You have to come for the event! There's no one else."......don't have a good feeling about the events.......heart is heavy.......don't know.....why am I afraid.....rather...what is scaring me.....the person there was staring at me..........

(I reach my room and end up wasting half-an-hour staring out of my window. A friend drops in and we have a long conversation on arbitrary issues. Then I pay visit to another "intellectual" friend of mine. We share some wisdom and thus gain, a trifle, by it. It is dinner time by then. Next....)Shit! All time wasted....there is so much to be done......there I am with guilt etched upon very thought of mine.....what to do...how to control those desires.....shit.........*(^%$#()*&*

(Late at night......) Still haven't started Vernon God Little.....why do I indulge in trivial activities only to repent later....so much time wasted.......this never happened in school days......has the IIT system been responsible for all this.....or my own actions....my own deliberations.....shit.......where is all this leading me.......

As I write all this, balderdash it may seem, but it means hell to me. I have spent two months of this semester doing this. Those confused feelings, those states of utter bewilderment, they are all taking a toll on me. Movies cheer me up. Sometimes books too. I always go home, heavy-hearted and come back to hostel light-hearted. Home makes me feel better. But I am none the better at home. I succumb to all kinds of cravings over there.

I don't have a good feeling about it. It has started raining just now. Days of torturous heat, sweating and now rains will take that all away. It's so easy for the rains to ease the weather which starts getting on my nerves. May be a rain exists which will those bizzare desires of mine.....someday...perhaps..... I am waiting.........