Lost in Time

Not just another result. It meant a lot. The morning was a threshold - this way or that, it had to be decided. A few clicks and fewer websites. A silent walk back home.

Much (melo)drama has been played out since then. Tears, anguish, intolerable silence, smothered passion, the voices which express solidarity, the voices which express rage, the voices of consideration, the voices which betray agony and pain - everything is now spent. The delusion has succumbed to its own greed.

It makes me wonder with what ease I have slipped into a comfortable existence. As if an injury never left any wound.
The voices never made much sense, except that each utterance prickled me which later on saddened me. The sympathy was never conveyed as each expression betrayed the hypocrisy of it all.

The urgency of the present bemoans the desperation of holding on to it. The past, though not dead, does not want to wither away. It exists only as an old ghoul in the attic which still peeves me sometimes.

Lately, the hope which future gives has been too strong to let the past linger. The commitments of present have been strengthening and the will to do that even more so. Every engagement has fuelled the idea that what has happened is just another event. The people might have noticed and made judgements. But that hasn't changed the event in any way. The significance it transpires is determined by my own doings and not by others. The passion was for me and the bearer is also me. Others' affectations have no relevance. The self learns much more in such times than it does in happier ones.

There is always fear which is at work in such situations. Being a necessary evil, it helps in escaping the present with any possible diversion. Imagine a condition in which the mind is not burdened by any commitment. The fear will grow like cancer and collapse every possible order. Thus, it works quid pro quo, helping, ironically, in creating an ordered way of life. Perhaps, it is this fear which has helped me move on with the way things are, mitigating the hopelessness left behind by past.

All this balderdash may not convey the central idea. Griping about it makes no sense. I have achieved no catharsis through it. But it does help me relieve some frustration, allay some fear. Another time will call for a more positive outlook on the situation. Till then I let it sail.