Auto-psychoanalysis....

I go straight to my room from here. I will read Vernon God Little. ......I sat in my class thinking about what I will do after classes are over.... I may feel sleepy. It's just 6:00 pm. ........there was a nagging feeling which weighed me down........ So I shouldn't sleep. Then I may watch a movie. I will watch Alien today. It's a great Ridley Scott movie.........Oh my God...such a terrible feeling of loneliness..... What next? In between, I will have to take dinner. What if someone comes in between? What if a QC event is held? What if an EDLC event is there? You never know... Last moment the rep comes and says,"You have to come for the event! There's no one else."......don't have a good feeling about the events.......heart is heavy.......don't know.....why am I afraid.....rather...what is scaring me.....the person there was staring at me..........

(I reach my room and end up wasting half-an-hour staring out of my window. A friend drops in and we have a long conversation on arbitrary issues. Then I pay visit to another "intellectual" friend of mine. We share some wisdom and thus gain, a trifle, by it. It is dinner time by then. Next....)Shit! All time wasted....there is so much to be done......there I am with guilt etched upon very thought of mine.....what to do...how to control those desires.....shit.........*(^%$#()*&*

(Late at night......) Still haven't started Vernon God Little.....why do I indulge in trivial activities only to repent later....so much time wasted.......this never happened in school days......has the IIT system been responsible for all this.....or my own actions....my own deliberations.....shit.......where is all this leading me.......

As I write all this, balderdash it may seem, but it means hell to me. I have spent two months of this semester doing this. Those confused feelings, those states of utter bewilderment, they are all taking a toll on me. Movies cheer me up. Sometimes books too. I always go home, heavy-hearted and come back to hostel light-hearted. Home makes me feel better. But I am none the better at home. I succumb to all kinds of cravings over there.

I don't have a good feeling about it. It has started raining just now. Days of torturous heat, sweating and now rains will take that all away. It's so easy for the rains to ease the weather which starts getting on my nerves. May be a rain exists which will those bizzare desires of mine.....someday...perhaps..... I am waiting.........

Some thoughts......

The thoughts I will put forward have been held for long in my memory. I still don't know, what stopped me from wording them.

Lately much of my energies have been diverted to cinema. Having an enviable collection is not enough. Though it gives me great pleasure when I think of the great works which I possess, and what an honour it is.

And the story doesn't end here. The collection is still growing, though the pace has slackened considerably over the past couple of months. Yet the ones I get, are those which I have cherished for long or those which need to be added for the betterment of collection.

My pace of watching movies has also grown significantly. Lately, every alternate day I try to watch a movie. A small desire in the initial days has matured into an insatiable hunger for more and more and more...

Yesterday I saw Kal Ho Naa Ho. But for the songs, the movie was heart-rendering. Songs were good, no doubt, but they dampen the momentum of the movie, and in some cases just bring it to a stand-still. That's the major problem with Bollywood movies today. Another bone of contention was Saif Ali Khan's lack lustre performance. He is just not fit for emotional roles. Look at Parineeta, Hum Tum and the climactic scenes of Kal Ho Naa Ho. He has failed miserably and is only good at doing comical roles or the likes of Dil Chahta Hai.

Much to my dismay, I try to extricate thematic elements from every movie and that too while watching. It gets boring very often. For instance when Naina's mother was explaining the meaning of relationships to her, I was busy putting those moral values in a larger frame of reference. A thought occurred to me(and occurs very often after watching a Bollywood film) that most of the Hindi films deal with relationships, love and marriage. Although they may differ on certain aspects, but more or less they pertain to the general concept of relations.

This "Analyzing.." business may not be so boring for Western movies though. All the more, it makes sense to analyze them, and a good movie may require a certain level of intellect to deal with them. Rear Window was one such case. This Alfred Hitchcock masterpiece is pretty complicated as far as relation between the protagonist(played by Cary Grant) and his girl-friend Lisa are concerned. I was only able to acknowledge the theme of ethics of voyeurism and marriage in the movie. But Wikipedia told me that the movie had much more food for thought than I could possibly imagine. I was bewildered that people had done so much research on a not-so-interesting movie.

Anyway, my passion for cinema is still amateur and I have to travel many miles before I can confidently put forth my prowess in Cinema. The beauty of cinema is not an easy thing to admire. But I am prepared to devote unbounded time towards this beautiful art and wish to gain as much as I can.

I proposed, I don't know who disposed...

Circumstances demand that I should be a little more regular in the noble art of blogging.

I have been generous enough(to whom?) to update this blog with the latest movie or the book. But the main point of creating a blog seems to have lost its purpose.

For instance, just before doing the honours I was building up a chain of thoughts to be translated into words over here. But as I type, each link breaks open and this is what I am writing.

Just to give this entry a more important look, let me inform the respectable reader that I last saw Chak De! India and am currently reading The Story of My Experiments With Truth by M.K. Gandhi.

Gandhiji has brilliantly put forward his life's journey, and with inspirational candidness has succeeded in mentioning his short-comings as well as all his juvenile wrong-doings. It's very rare these days to find someone admitting his/her faults and weaknesses. Such display of honesty has touched my heart. Though the pace of the book has been a little sluggish till now, nonetheless I'm hoping that it'll turn out to be a great read.

That's the problem. As I write, a feeling of sleepiness creeps in. This problem has definitely played a major role in abstaining me from blogging. Bah....

UK goes the Brown way

After months of speculation, Tony Blair finally submitted his resignation to the Queen. His popularity had been dwindling since quite some time. Many attribute this to the policies which he had followed during his tenure. People were angry that the country had been dragged into the genocidal Iraq war.

I was surprised that how a person at such a lucrative post, could resign so gracefully. Such a 'miracle' is not possible in a country like India. Though Tony Blair was emotional during his last speech in the Parliament, nonetheless, it was done honourably and with a certain grace which is remniscient of old warriors who relinquished their title. Perhaps, this reflects the depth of democracy in UK.

India is claimed to be the biggest democracy in the world. But this honour is only quantity-wise. There maybe democracy as far as Lok Sabha elections or State elections are concerned. But when it comes to a political party there is no such thing as democracy. If Congress wins then Sonia Gandhi has to be the PM. If not then the person who will be PM has to be the puppet in her hands. If BJP is in power then L.K. Advani or Atal Bihari Vajpayee has to be the PM.

Unlike UK the political parties here work on undemocratic principles. Each political party here is characterized only by one or two leaders. The rest of the politicians are merely there for the sake of it. In UK each member of the political party has his/her say in the proceedings of the party. So the most efficient man gets the top job. Moreover if during the course of his/her term as PM , the members are not satisfied by his /her policies then he/she has to resign and give way to the more popular candidate.

Why can't such a democratically sound system be implemented in India? Even aftre 60 years of independence, we are far away from being a true democracy. Then why carry this ostentatious tag of being the world's greatest democracy?

Meanwhile, Tony Blair is seemingly feeling the pangs of being a common man once more. But after being touted as the successor of Paul Wolfowitz as the chief of World Bank, he has been chosen as representative of the Quartet(comprising of US, UN, EU and Russia) in the Middle East as some kind of a 'peace broker'. What a pretentious post to give, which has little significance and almost negligible consequence. What little he can offer, remains to be seen.

As fas as Gordon Brown is concerned, he will be really pleased with himself for shiting his base to 10 Downing Street. After all he got the job after a wait of more than a decade. He has two years to prove his mettle and reform public opinion. May be he can help his party to gain the reputation which has suffered in the hands of the ex-PM.

If anybody has an inkling as to what Gordon Brown will offer has PM, please do tell me. I have very little knowledge about it. Anyway, one can wait and watch. I am particularly interested in how it will benefit the Anglo-Indian relationship. My fingers are crossed and I hope that yours' are too.

Yipee! It's the Harry Potter month!

After two years of waiting all the Harry Potter fans will be finally rewarded on 21st July. The most awaited book in the world Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows will roll out in a festival like opening ceremony. Being a great Harry Potter fan, only I know how is it to wait for a book. Each passing day, is making the wait all the more tougher.

As I have written before, there a few mysteries which J.K. Rowling has to unravel. For instance, in the third year Harry helped Peter Pettigrew, who then escaped Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. Later Dumbeldore explained Harry that when a wizard helps another one, there is a certain bond which forms between them. So this bond is yet to be explained by the author. Another point is that whether there has been any chemistry between Severus Snape and Lily Potter. I am an avid Harry Potter fan. So I constantly keep in touch with sites like The Leaky Cauldron and Veritaserum. There I got to know that some rumours were strife about the two. I have been thinking about visiting this site called Mugglenet.com. It is supposed to be good.

And there are some trash websites too. Dumbledoreisnotdead.com is one such site. Even to think about Dumbledore not being dead is ridiculous. It is very well known that some authors go to any extent to revive ceratin important characters deemed dead long ago. But Dumbledore was killed using an Unforgivable Curse- Avada Kedavra. He clearly dies and is thrown down the Astronomy Tower. So such theories like he is not dead and then to support them by showing logical fallacies is balderdash.

Besides, the journey of Harry potter becomes most perilous. He may be accompanied by Ron and Hermione. But it requires high amount of mettle to threaten him, nevertheless. Snape has to definitely help him out. Otherwise, it is nearly impossible with all these dark curses surrounding Horcruxes. Oh! I am just holding my breath.

There is another surprise too. The fifth installment in Harry Potter movie series is realeasing world-wide on 13th of this month. Perhaps, due to double bonanza I have coined this month, The Harry Potter month. Anyway, never in the future a book and a movie are going to be released together. I will miss it so much. There will be a tiny void in my heart for this great legend. Through these years I have come to admire this hero so much that it is impossible to think about an existence without him.

I hope that history repeats itself, sometime in the future and there comes another great being as Harry Potter.

All that I left behind...

Somehow, I felt uneasy. Something was asphyxiating me. Was it lack of air? May be. It is that air which others also breathe. I didn’t know what to do. They call it presence of mind. But groping madly in the darkness to tell others that they deprived me of oxygen isn’t exactly presence of mind. They were so very mean. Never before in my all these years of existence had I seen such people. Were they the same people who surrounded me and smiled when I looked at them and sympathized with me when I was sad? I believe it is my fault. My mind had been shrouded by gullibility all these years. Oh boy! What agony it was… How am I ever to feel better while carrying this mental stigma with me? As an infant the air was all around me. I used to feel it inside me, in my veins, my heart, my mind and my soul. But now? Things have changed so much. I longed to go back to those wonderful days of existence. Suddenly, I noticed that I couldn’t do that too. I opened my eyes and felt the metamorphosis. There was an infinite wall that separated me from that side of the world. I noticed my faint reflection in that transparent wall. The monster I had become, horrified me out of my wits. I looked around me and found everyone to be the same. There was hatred, jealousy, greed, and anguish all around. They detest me from what I am and what I am going to be. Perhaps, I can do without air in this environment or may be I will learn to live without it. Only time will tell. The symptoms are suggestive of that. Will it be difficult? I don’t know. I only know that this is the order of the world. Like it or not. It’s not my choice. They wanted me to become like that. God knows what the future holds for me. I can only hope for the best and that’s what I am hoping.